i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
