If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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