he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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