He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
