Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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