Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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