Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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