I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
