She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
