if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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