So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Watching her eat just hurts me
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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