She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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