I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So many bounce houses so little time
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
