You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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