At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
