But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
