I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
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He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
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I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The Olympian is in my bed