Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
