i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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