You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
