I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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