Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
