I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
