I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
