Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
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you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
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DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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