i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
