I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
