it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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