We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I will die if light touches me.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This house was built for laser tag.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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