I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
