I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
