apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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