I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
