the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
