got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
