Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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