I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
