Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
