First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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