Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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