Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
