I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
