I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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