At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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