she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
