I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
