ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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