i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
