i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
