If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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