He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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