Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
