I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
