Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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