if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
