The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
