just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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