you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
