she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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