I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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